So many memories swirl around the month of August. Please click on the memorial box for better focus.
A lady in Germany is writing a book about commercial sexual exploitation and asked if I would consider including a remembrance of Cara. I agreed but what came to mind was the STOP (Sex Trade Offender Program) talk I have been delivering for 28 years now. The following is what I submitted, with local references deleted for a more universal impact.
TALK TO THE JOHNS
Good afternoon gentleman,
I am here today to represent those who have NOT survived sexual exploitation. MANY young women lose their lives every year in the sordid business which exists only because of you, the consumers. I look around this room, as I have many times before, and realize that most of you probably did not INTEND to kill anyone.
Yet the fact remains that a large number of women die each year because of the activity in which you participated. Some die from illnesses or overdose or suicide. Those who are murdered tend to be scorned by society. They are not honored even in their deaths because your cause is not honored. The women who serve you disappear into darkness – and your shame is absorbed and hidden in their deaths.
I am here because my daughter was one of many beautiful young women who became caught up in life on the street and died a violent death. For over 28 years, I have been part of a sad and largely silent community of caring family members who do not understand how our children and grandchildren could be exploited. We understand love, we understand equality and respect; we do NOT understand why so many men in the world demand sexual services in the absence of those values.
The numbers are incomprehensible – over 20 MILLION women and children around the world are coerced or trafficked every year into sexual exploitation. And the reason the numbers are so high is because there are simply not enough women in the world for so-called “consensual” services. That opens the door to exploitation by pimps and traffickers.
As well, society continues to create situations of economic inequality so that disadvantaged citizens are more likely to make desperate choices. Young women are also groomed and taken advantage of by selfish men who take advantage of what looks like easy money, at least for them.
We know from stats that minimally 15% of men are sex buyers and, unfortunately, that percentage is growing with pornography. We know that pornography is destructive because it normalizes objectification and violence in the name of sexual stimulation. Boys who watch porn grow up to have unrealistic expectations about relationships. We also know many children and young adults are abused and trafficked for the production of porn – and so the cycle continues.
I would like YOU to wonder if my daughter could have been someone you met and if YOU could have contributed to the death of someone like her. Her disappearance is still unsolved. Twenty-eight years ago, she was standing on a street corner. Today she would probably have had a cell phone.
It is the most terrible thing imaginable to have a child go missing. The month of August that year became a nightmare for me as time stretched on with no contact. I phoned her friends; her friends phoned me. I phoned the police several times. I made up missing posters and left them with several agencies I thought might have contact with her. As the weeks went by, I found my eyes constantly probing alleys and ditches in search of clues.
In between times I tried to stay sane and carry on my life as usual. That much I was used to because she had been struggling with drugs and mental illness before she disappeared. I used to find her and visit at least once a week – just to keep in touch and to keep a life line open in case there was some way she could return to my world.
As the silence grew during that long month, I began to feel crazy and wondered how long I could survive not knowing where she was or what had happened. I missed the evening news September 1st about a gruesome discovery. The first I heard about an unidentified body being found was when my radio came on to wake me for work the next morning. I leaped out of bed and grabbed the morning paper.
This is the picture I saw on the front page – four men in white hazmat suits carrying a small white body bag from a field. I called the RCMP with my concerns and carried on to my place of employment – because I didn’t know what else to do. Finally, that evening I saw a small group of people gather on the sidewalk in front of my house and my worst fears were confirmed. My daughter had been identified through her dental records.
Her death was investigated as a murder because of the injuries to her body. To this day, I have been asked not to discuss details because of what the police call “hold back evidence.” She may have been abused by a sadistic customer; or perhaps it was a drug deal gone bad. Apparently the RCMP tried to contact every john who had been on the streets around the time she was missing. You may not realize that you too could still be considered a suspect when another death occurs.
As horrible as my situation was, I am grateful that my daughter was found. I can only imagine the horror of trying to live without knowing – like the families of so many women across Canada. Reality is there have been some very nasty fellows in Edmonton and across Canada the last few decades and there are hundreds of others who are not telling what they know. I can’t imagine how people can live with that kind of secrecy.
Part of my grief is wondering what I could have done differently to prevent my daughter’s death. My gift in her memory is to try to make the world a better place. She was a happy fun-loving little girl who loved horses and riding when she was younger and then make-up and clothes and boys as she grew older.
One of her friends who spoke at her funeral said, “she had a special childlike quality – she was always fun and made us laugh.” Her innocence and love of adventure was the price she paid. She was probably too trusting. She liked excitement and didn’t understand the dangers. People I met on the street would often say to me, “she’s a nice girl. She doesn’t belong here.” I still haven’t figured out who is supposed to belong.
It is important to remember that every so-called “sex worker” is somebody’s daughter, grand-daughter, sister, cousin, niece, and friend. Sometimes they are also mothers. They all have people who care about them and hope they survive to lead a happier life.
I raised my daughter as a single parent and will always wonder how I could have better handled the situation better when there was just the two of us at home and she was a teenager who wanted to party. I wish that I had argued less and listened more so that even if nothing else had changed, we would both have had more happy memories.
YOU still have a choice. I am always impressed when I see fathers who are kind and supportive and affectionate with their children and I am very sad that my daughter missed that opportunity. This is something you can still give to your family.
I want to believe that good can triumph over evil. That is what keeps me coming back year after year. Part of my resolution is to be more understanding and kind to the adults in my world so they in turn can give love and support to their children.
By treating women as objects for sale, you have already demonstrated a lack of respect for them and for yourselves. My wish for you is that you find a more dignified and honorable way of living and that you learn to become loving and faithful to your own families. My wish is that you are able to look after the children in your life and treat THEM with respect – and have FUN with them – and keep them SAFE from exploitation.
I am encouraged by the evidence that very few of you who attend this course are charged again. However, I am very discouraged that every month or so a whole new group is arrested. I continue to wonder what more needs to happen for the men of the world to appreciate equality, dignity and intimacy in relationships.
Thank you for your attention on behalf of all who have lost their lives as a result of sexual exploitation. I hope my words will make a difference.
